Friday, January 28, 2005


Having no children, I rarely (ha! more like NEVER?) get to partake the joy that others feel when their child experiences something for the first time.
I was overcome with excitement of just that sort the other day when I took my dog into my friends dairy barn.

As the big barn door swung open, my mutchie was almost foaming at the mouth with emotions I had never seen any dog exhibit. his legs were running in place, his ears were perked up like, three times their normal size and I thought he was gonna blow up like a punching balloon if he didn't EXHALE. As soon as he realized he was in a world much different than his, he let out a "arrUuOOOOF?" just like scooby doo would! halarious.

The funniest was watching him as he would stretch to get his nose as close as he could to their buttholes, then he would turn around and look at me like, "HEY! HEY! HEEEEYYY!doyouseethis?!"

Sunday, January 23, 2005

unsolicited advice.

Don't EVER. let anyone talk you into going down the hill on the FLIMSY MOLDED PLASTIC SLED when you only have to wait approx three minutes for the perfectly good NON TAILBONE CRUNCHING TUBE - with handles!


It snowed again, but this time we got more than the usual dusting over the lawn. We still didn't get the snow that ashtabula gets, but it's sled riding good.

Mutch says "I don't care, I need to poop."
I took a ride up to my parent's lakehouse, it's in Saybrook which is in between Ashtabula and Geneva -on-the-lake. The house is directly right next to the lake, and even knowing that I would have to get in my car and drive due north, where LAKE EFFECT is in FULL effect, I thought it would be cool to see it in the dead of winter, besides, Mutch is always up or a road trip. Here is a map of the route to the lake.
...takes me EXACTLY an hour to get up there. unless it's summertime, then it only takes about 43 minutes. If you go 90 or 100. I mean, because I go 90 or 100.

Youngstown doesn't get as much snow as they do up there and when I got on the freeway it was clear and fine to drive in, but it seems juUust as I crossed the imaginary line that was marked with a sign that read "ENTERING ASHTABULA COUNTY" it turned to this:

things were totally copacetic until I managed to catch up to a plow truck that was going 40mph, throwing shit all over my car and degrading visibility by seventeen thousand percent, the dog desperately wants to get his head out the window and excuse me! I'm trying to take a picture! (I was also utilizing the reason I bought the car as an automatic by talking on the phone, smoking a cigarrette, and painting my nails all at the same time.)
~this is what a ride in the car is like with me. You just never know.

Mutch and I arrive. safely.
the rock in front of the side screen door is married itself to the wooden steps and I can not get it to budge. I was kicking the shit out of it. no deal. I went around to the front. The snow is up to my knees. no kidding. OMG. so NOW, I have to get the screen door open. You all that live where there is no snow would be surprised how many things like, plant stands, chair backs, and windchimes come in handy as snow excavating tools!
so I manage to get the door open, and AUUUGH. THE UMBRELLA TABLE IS BLOCKING THE DOOR, AND IT HAS A GIANT PUZZLE ON IT! (who the hell does PUZZLES?! at the LAKEHOUSE?! one should NOT do PUhZZLES in their spare time at the lake house, one drinks BEER and WINE in their spare time at the lakehouse!)

With some help from the dog leash and some old school moves I got in. Turned up the heat and the hot water heater, got the key to the beach, grabbed the dog out of the car and
headed down to the beach...ish.

The wind was blowing off the water making the temp a virtual -12 below, feels way different than it is near the house, a grand 7 degrees. The water is not frozen and there are actually seagulls -seagulls! Obviously, they missed the "WE ARE NOW FLYING SOUTH" memo.

Ohio seagulls are way different than FLA seagulls, these suckers look like flying jack russel terriers! they would give any FLA seagull an immediate smackdown.
(when I lived in FLA I would always notice how much smaller the seagulls and squirrels are...they are like, half the size!)

I was standing at the top of the hundred thousand steps that lead to the beach

and re-thinking my idea of actually going down there. the coolness factor of seeing it that close up would be totally trampled upon by the WIND CHILL. And so I stood. and looked. and stood. and my arm just got yanked out of the socket because Mutch decided to try and eat one of those flying terriers. and I almost busted my ass.
"you're a FLORIDA DOG, DOG. don't you even sense how cold it is out here?!?" He was ALL ABOUT going down there.

It is COLD. I mean C O L D. As I was standing there, (even though I was completely bundled up) It felt like a cleansing of some kind, comparable to being in a sweathouse, only the opposite. I was thinking of pioneers, and native americans, and all of the people in the past/present that didn't or don't have things such as HEAT, or HEATERS. I am very thankful.

I didn't even bother to unlock the gate. I just stayed up top thinking about what exactly would get me to go down there.
My conclusion was that the only way I would go down there is if it were a pit stop and I was on The Amazing Race. But it would have to be the LAST pit stop, the one where I win a million dollars for going down there.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Condoleezza Rice + Extreme Makeover= Condoleezza NICE


I got some coupons in the mail from the grocery store. I like this particular assortment of coupons the best because they have added bonuses like, $1 off anything in the meat department, $1 off anything from the bakery, and FREE stuff! There's a coupon for free mac and cheese (Kraft!), free frozen orange juice (minute maid!), and free -uh, tuna helper (that little white glove character).

I'm really not too crazy about kraft mac and cheese, so I still have that for when I am really desperate, which is BOUND to be real soon, I made the oj and drank that, and this afternoon I made the tuna helper for lunch. man, I'll tell you what. Tuna is probably a lot better without any helper. If I were tuna, I would much rather get some help from some real mayonaise.

posting on A PC!!!

my super duper awesome always great, only thing I own I'm so protective of you'd think it was my baby, Mahcintosh G3 Blue and White- Yosemite design and blog reading machine, has taken a HUGE DROP on me. It started dinging with the excitement that I can only interpret as the excitement one tribemate feels just as the other tribemates have voted them as being the final survivor. It was orgasming. My computer was chiming like what a woman hears in her head the first time she reaches orgasm- ever. (well, I guess I can say that for a man too?). My computer totally crashed.

I'm not even sure if I love the Jetta as much. Hell, It likes the "check engine" light more than it likes me. Oh shit, I toootally should NOT have said that.
My brother, Steve brought his laptop over here so that I may use it (which was extremely gracious of him) and instead of having it hooked up to my DSL line stationary in my computer room, I have it on my coffee table attached to the phone cord. ~My phone cord is approximately as long as Napeleon's when he goes outside to call Pedro. Which is cool, because what's better than blogs in unison with "Wife Swap" or "Extreme Makeover Home Edition"??

I am having a bitch of a time with this "insert cursor" thing. On my machine, you can just put the cursor wherever you want, and continue to type. However, on this PC it's just safer if you utilize the arrow keys to maneuver that sucker around.

and you know what else? not much. damn me to hell, but not much else is different. WHOA now, I'm talking about using the internet...not graphics.
One I got used to where the keys are on the laptop, I'm typing away. The buttons make cool little clicky sounds as I type. Makes me imagine being in the airport and typing away as others stare into space or the latest US Weekly (winkwink).

Alight- it's doing that really retarded thing again!! How am I supposed to write when I can't insert and correct my writing?! Good thing the utility program I need, AND extra RAM to fix my machine are on their way to my house, probably right. NOW.

I mean. what I'm trying to say is. that when there is no natural peanut butter making machine around, Jiff is good, Jiff does the trick, gets the job done. I'm thankful for Jiff. BUT really, the peanut butter that comes out of the machine with all the peanuts on top, the *healthy* peanut butter? THAT'S the way to ride.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

help please

I would like to add some links to blogs I read over on the side, under the "archives", but I'm not sure how to do it. I don't want to go and mess with the template and screw it all up. can anyone tell me where to insert, and what to insert to make a list of links in my sidebar under the "archives" ? Thanks!

Monday, January 10, 2005

not. a. douchebag.

This is NOT a enema, nor is it a douche.

When my grandmother passed away a few years ago, the only things I really wanted were
-the oriental rug that laid in the SAME place in her living room for all my years. (I got it!)
-and this.
(but I actually made out because I got her pearls TOO!-she left them to me!)

This is my grandmothers HOT WATER BOTTLE and in the winter, I have it with me at ALL TIMES. I have it sitting on my lap right now. I refill it more than seven times a day. I love it. There are places on it that the ruber is so old, it's started cracking.

Grandma Helena ALWAYS had it in her hand. always.

It keeps my fingers warm when I'm typing away on the computer, it settles an upset stomach, it's something warm to hold onto when falling asleep, but most of all, it comforts me like she did.

ego trip

People of the internet, people of America.
You might see this billboard in your state...I did it.

I love it when my friends in different states tell me they saw it on the freeway. if you have spotted it, please let me know, and from what state!
Here is a design I did right before I quit.
Click to enlarge
just to add insult to injury, here is another half page ad in the phone book for a restaurant called Johnny's it's placed on the opposite page as the C Staples ad.
I have also been here. This place is quite expensive and nice, the decor is all cool and jungle themed, the servers pratice "slient service", wear ties and long black aprons, the food is GREAT and the Italian greens are to die for. There aren't bars on the windows, or paint chipping off the outside. There are candles on every table.

This place DESERVES a HALF page ad!
I quit that job. er-ah, I took that job off a sweet jump.

and I changed the pic on my profile, but it's still showing the old one on this page.

I know it's been a while internet. I'm sorry. I have been busy watching Napoleon Dynamite, hanging out in Barns N Noble listening to Tom Waits new CD "Real Gone" (I won't download his stuff, I'll gladly PAY for THAT!)

grow your business, and change the bulbs.

Here is an ad from the 2004-05 Youngstown OH Yellow Pages for a restaurant called "C Staples"

This one HALF page ad made me laugh for about three months now, because I KNOW about C Staples restaurant...and now I'm letting you all in on why I thought this to be so funny.
here it is:
Click to enlarge

(assuming you just looked at the full size photo of the "worthy-of -HALF PAGE IN THE PHONEBOOK" eatery.)
Hopefully, the first thing you noticed was the security system. and then the aesthetics.

The last time I was here, years & years ago, it was about 4:30am and some friends and I were out looking for a bite to eat. First of all, I was told to "STAY IN THE CAR!" and second, we went there thinking "OOH!GOOD BBQ!"(which is what every college kid is looking for at 4:30am) but I SWEAR to this day that was NOT. CHICKEN.
noOot. chicken.

*I have relied upon the phone book in alot of different states looking for a reatraunt to go eat at, and BBQ always sounds good to me. Just goes to show what advertising can do for you.
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