Saturday, August 14, 2010

My knee just turned onto an ex-boyfriend. Can't trust it.

Yes, I shall move the fan.

I saw the BO when I took Dusty back to his barn on the other side of the property and asked her some things about the fan, and if that STUFF actually works.

Me: Hey Yeenie! Is there some reason my horse would all the sudden me pressing his ass up against the boards of the stall like this (I press my butt up against the frame of the door)?

Yeenie: Ooh, have you wormed him yet?  
She said, as she is drawing some milky white liquid into a needle so big it made me wince.

Good. Exactly what I was thinking.

Me: No, I have it but I want to worm him on saturday. Weird. I got him some more Guiness in the fridge. There is no sweat at all now, before at least there was a little trace. How has the STUFF worked for the others so far? Is it safe for me to mix the beer and the STUFF?

Yeenie: Good, they're sweating a bit. Sure, you can mix it, The Painter did fine with both. You worm him! 

I asked her about the fan situation. If I could move it and if I can find a bigger one for cheap if I can put it out for a little while and I'll pay a lit extra board. She was ok with both and then told me that someone bought two big huge metal fans at a yard sale for Fifteen dollars. 

I was tittin around as the girls were getting ready to leave and after long deliberation I decided to start taking the fan off the front of the stall. I took Dusty out into the round pen, its cooler outside anyway. And I need to put it on the inside of the stall for my imagined airflow. I drug my tack box to the spot I need to reach and stepped up onto it to cut the zips.

Yeenie: (as she's walking out to go home)...Goodnight Christine! See ya tomorrow! You be careful, don't you fall off that box!

Me: OK! goodnight!

I then began to cut the zip things and unplugged the fan. Went to grab some twine because I've engineered it to the greatest swiftness in all my creativity. The way this fan shall be situated the air will be like a hurricane of conditioned wind cooling my pony to a comfortable body temperature and he will again think that I am the greatest ever. MUAWWHHHh HA HA AAAAH.

My plan was to tie it into place and then tie it better once it was where I wanted it. I began to finagle it into place. 
Sweat is dripping down my face so that I have to use my sweaty dirty shirt to wipe my eyes. My shirt has all the dirt from the front of the fan all over it. I tried to use my arm instead but I didn't want a face-full of cobwebs and dirt. Every time I got it into place, one corner would slip. I couldn't get the twine to tie and the fan not fall. I haven't checked on Dusty in the round pen. I'm sure he's fine but still you check, its just what you do. 

Text from Leggs: dusty more calm tonight

My reply: Yes, thanks- I'm about to have a come apart trying to move this fan. I wonder if Fancy is here...

Text from Leggs: Poop

I put the fan down to go and see if Fancy was up in her barn doing her thing. She is always there as late as I am and beside just loving the hell out of her, she's always willing to lend a hand! (I hope) 

I looked over yonder and I see the lights on, I'm so excited that she is there that I just ran the whole way. 

Me: Hey FANCY!  How are ya?!

Fancy: Hey! I'm good, just finishing up here. What's up?

Me: Well, I was wondering if you could help me out, I'm trying to move dusty's fan and I could really use an hand. You need any help with anything in exchange? (laughing)

Fancy: YES! Help me carry these bags of feed into the barn. Can you carry a bag of feed? Is it too heavy for you? (she's being a boob) 

Me: Ha, ha very funny and yes! Let's do it!

Were now in my barn and we are both trying to get the fan to stay in my utopian place and it won't flipping go there. Then she sees that the whole problem is that it needs to be tied from the bottom. Seems as though my whole plan was a little upside down? Go figure.

Fancy: Twine, Twine you need another string. 

Me: Ok, hold it. Got it?

Fancy: Yep!

This repeated three more times. Untill we have to tie the twine around this huge support beam and the twine refused to do what I wanted it to do. You know things like GO AROUND THE POLE AND DROP TO THE OTHER SIDE?

Me: wait! HOLD IT HOLD IT!

Fancy: WHAAAT!?

I needed more height or I'm really going to have a come apart. I could go look for a ladder but, one great thing about barn girls is that we're resourceful. I go towards the front of the barn and grab this big bucket. I put it on top of the tack box and climb on top of it. The tack box is sturdy and I've stood on a bucket thousands of times, so mixed up into a cocktail it was harmless. 

Fancy: OHHhhh No. You better not fall off that thing.

Me: Oh, I'm not going to FALLLLLL, come on, I'm tuff! I have medical insurance! Here, hold it up a little and I'll tie it...

Fancy: ok, You got Aflack?! haaah! Oh that's right you sit at the computer all day don't you? Ok, now come check it and see if you like the angle. Turn it on. NO! don't turn it on!...
(She was standing right in front of it)

Me: haaah! OMGosh! I'm so excited! yaaay! 

I go to step down to the ground and for some reason my brain calculated the distance to the ground to be the height of the tack box. NOT the tack box PLUS bucket.

Ever miscalculate stairs in the dark? SUCKS.

My foot did actually land on the ground, I rolled to the ground face on barn floor in not even caring about it style. Lying there mere fetal position saying to myself, it is NOT broken. Nothing is broken. maybe ripped, but not broken. I tried to wiggle my toes...

I had three thoughts in one-second:
holy shit. I'm a dumbass. I was on THE BUCKET!
Boots. Boots. Take the boots off immediently! NOONE is cutting my Made In Italy tall boots!

I can't laugh during this awkward situation, and Fancy is on the inside of the stall, watching this happen.

Fancy: I TOoooOOOLD you not to fall! You're an old lady! You can't be doing those things anymore!

Me: (I am trying to get over the searing 3 minutess of my body letting go of all endorphins she is crackingme up!) UUUGGGGGGhhhhhhHHHH!!!!!!

Fancy: I TOLD YOUuuuu not to fall! what a dumbass, oh! YOU OK?! Are you laughing or crying?


I realized I was almost licking the floor of the barn and yes, I'm doing BOTH at the same time. Her comments might sound mean as I type it but believe me her delivery is priceless. You would be cracking up too.

She comes out from inside the stall to see me. 

Fancy: What happend? what did you doOOOO? Did you say you had Aflack? you're OLD! You can't do thissss.Dumbass.

I'm laughing with a wince of pain look on my face. She cracks me up. I'm starting to "come to" and I tell her...

Me: I FUCKING forgot I was on the BUCKET TOOOOOO! I AM A DUMBASS!! I thought the distance was the tack box!

Fancy: Did you fall?

Me: PSHHHHT, NOOOoooooo. what would make you think that? Really though, my foot landed fine then...DID YOU HEAR THAT??! 

Fancy: Hear what? No.

Me: SOMETHING POPPED or ripped, I dunno its ohhhh its bad. I gotta walk. I gotta get up and walk. Can you help me with my boot please so it doesn't have to be cut off?

Fancy: HAAAAH, you crack me up. Sure. can you get into the stall and see if you like the angle? 

I look at my sock. 

Fancy: go ahead, your stall is clean.

I wonder if I can even walk.

Me: Dood! I don't know if I can walk! I'm SO SORRY! I swear I'm just an asssss! I'm so sorry. It's great. It's perfect really. It's up there and its pointing down onto him, its the best in the world! I'm really NOT about to micromanage this project at this point. THANK YOU so much. Can you go get my horse please?

She laughs and heads out to get Dusty and I am limping along the walls of the barn trying to take a step on my bum leg. Just one step, that's all I want but every time I put any weight on it for a mere second it feels like my knee is not aligned. Indeed the weirdest feeling I have ever experienced. It actually feels like my leg would just split into two parts. I can't take a step because my knee just turned onto an ex-boyfriend. Can't trust it.

Me: Fancy, don't you tell a soul that I just fell off of a bucket! I'm telling them that you made me ride that crazy Arabian again and he bucked me off!

Fancy: He doesn't buck.

Me: Well then OMG I was thinking as he ran off across the property with me!

I can't say that I wasn't pooping my pants. But I'm determined and imagined myself as a sports star with the crowd anticipating me up, walking off the field. 
After a few minutes I was able to put weight on it enough to slub around like a slub should slub. I said goodnight to the D and muddled my way to the car. It's my right leg, but I could drive and I even went to the convenient store to get some ice. I figured it's not so bad, heck- I'll just be limping around for a short while. I got home and went directly to my bed, my leg up on a pillow with ice and fell quick asleep. 
For about 15 minutes. 

At 4 am I tried to get up to go to the bathroom and reconsidered my thoughts about limping around for a short while. I tried to assume the slubbing position and holy balls! Felt like I just grabbed the nearest lightning bolt. Hopping on one leg didn't work either because I'm pretty sure I know what it feels like to be hit by shrapnel now. 
I kept getting up, I couldn't sleep. I waited till the early morning and decided it was definitely time to go to the hospital. I needed some pain pills. Call it a day.

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