Sunday, December 09, 2007

Here's where I get like I try an not get

"Those that live within their means have a serious lack of imagination." -Oscar Wilde

There's been a lot going on in my life in the past few months. I think that I pissed off a witch, or that the planet of everlasting discipline; Saturn has found a home in my sky, or that someone got a hold of one of my toe nail clippings, thus sewing a voo-doo doll in my honor.

I've begun to think that this life that I am living is not the path set forth for me. I'm not sure I'm living up to my destiny. I don't always make the most sagacious decisions. At the time I think I am, but if I would pay more attention to the little details I would be more likely to be prepared for situations that call for preparedness. Like making SURE that I had car insurance.

I've been a good person, spreading good karma and running down groups of teenagers to ask them if they just dropped this 60GB iPod that I just found in the sand instead of putting it straight into my pocket.

I just feel sometimes that I can't take care of EVERYthing. I really have compassion for the working single mother. I don't have enough time to EAT let alone pick up and feed kids. And it's hard being at work all day, holding a full time job and having to take care of my personal life. There is no tandem cooperation when your alone. There is no "can you run home and see if Mutch came back home yet?" when the dog takes off on a magnificent voyage as you're leaving for work. And there definitely is not any default have-to-sorta take me to work because my car is fucked. And I strongly stress that there is no food called Dinner, or Supper in the house.
What I eat for dinner at 10pm:
-egg noodles left over from making chicken soup a year ago.
-the last of the yummy frozen vegetables that I got when I actually went to the store.
-some season salt, kosher salt, pepper. Olive Oil.
and I might open that can of tomato paste that has been through two moves with me.
This will go on until one of my two ingredients are gone.

I know that I can just go to the grocery store. I do go. Sometimes. But I buy food and it ends up going bad. I take a pork chop out of the freezer and it sits in my refrigerator for days. Sometimes too many days to cook it safely.

I'm just SO ALL OVER THE PLACE. I failed to develop that part of my psyche or something. The question I ask myself when I get really introspect is about how I can break my intense desire to just. have. fun. I want to work, and I love working but I what I would rather be doing would not in the least give me enough money for all the things a single woman has to pay for. Shoes. Hair cuttings by a STYLIST not "Clips R Us". Paying the same fee for health coverage and trash pickup as a family of 5.

It doesn't matter that I only put my trash out twice a month. They're driving that truck down the street twice a week and that big claw will pick up the air if it has to. And a little interesting tid-bit about Pensacola...if you try and share the trash service with the tenant above you, -err, I mean if you try and conserve the city's budget by not making that huge truck waste it's gas stopping at your house eighteen times a month, you will get cited. From the city. CITED. The City of Pensacola will give you a ticket. Every single address has to have trash pickup. This pretty much confirms that I was most certainly born in the wrong generation because I think that you used to be able to put that shit out there and they just picked it up. Taxes Old School.

Some people might think that single people have it made. Sure, some do. The ones that were born with the ability to do math and become investment brokers. For those of us that were born with a very visual creative mind in this field, it's dam hard to make over a hundred thousand dollars a year. Even Fifty for the most part.

In my opinion with my freelance work the general public wants to see tangible goods being processed through calculators, shovels, and earth movers. Pulling creativity out of your head just isn't justifiable in a lot of cases. They don't want to PAY for the work...BECAUSE they think that I just press "enter" three times and a beautiful professional ad or design comes popping out of my computer. It's not so easy living comfortably as a single person in this United States of ours. I end up paying THE WHOLE amount for many of the SAME things that two incomes pay for. Thus, I work twice as hard.
I'm just sayin.
*I have to ask. Does it ever equal out in some way? I can't claim any dependants on my taxes and I pay the same taxes-right?)

Sometimes it can get a little hectic. I thank god for the people that ALWAYS catch me when I slip. The people that have (more than once) given me, in one lump sum the equalivent of a year's salary in Belarus. My parents.

I am lucky. Mildly spoiled. And totally horrible because I do think that I should be able to buy them vacations as presents by NOW.

But I kick ass too. I work hard and care about my work. I'm always with the goal of improving. Solution driven. I can only keep trying my best and overcome those obstacles in my mind that won't let me believe that I deserve to be a comfortable. Because in the infomercials say that all you have to do is BELIEVE you deserve it..OR con the trash people into thinking that only one person lives in your duplex.

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