Saturday, August 08, 2009

I can't love you with your eyes wide shut.

I keep trying to place myself in a hypothetical situation whereas:

I very recently met someone that I connect with in magical ways. I look very forward to spending time with this person. When we are together the rest of the world comes to a whoa. My feelings are returned with a grown up sense of understanding and appreciation. And caring. We are confidant and excited for our future of growing together. My house is a home with this person.
There is something taking my emotional state to ragged. I am ready to finalize the divorce. But this person, the one that I fell in love with not all that long ago is looking for redemption. Very last minute ditch efforts to convince me to reconsider. Remember that our love is stronger than this? Begging and pleading for another chance to give me all of the things that they had promised me on that day.

My conscience simply cannot allow me to be numb to this. I have deep emotional strings of loyalty and here is this person that I fell in love with at their utmost vulnerable state. While I listen to him turn the pages of the chapters numb feelings feed my brain the sadness I have for being the enigma of his brokenness.
It makes me introspect with the knowledge that I have on the other side that in which I never felt they could give me in the first place. A slight escape from the confrontation.
As I tell him that I don't love him anymore my heart breaks with a certain sadness.

In an effort to understand your energy my guileless thoughts have no trouble jumping into that persona. I gather memories from one of my own past lives. Sure, it wasn't a marriage. But it was. I'm not one to believe that it takes a piece of paper. My thoughts are returned with compassion while knowing that we have all been there. We have all fallen out of love and we have all begged for forgiveness at some point in our lives. In some cases human nature leads to aggressiveness if we learn there are doors opening on the other side.

Your words are so sweetly reassuring. The only threat I sense comes from my own yearning to ease you. I can see through the looking glass and I respect that this may not be my place right now.
I don't know that I want it to be my place.
But still, your humanity makes me want to reach inside of you and hold with tender hands as I hear the maze of your voice. I am being careful to manage the state of your being because I respect you. I care about you.
I can't help but to want to give you any such space you need at this time. I suspect that you need this time to be in your cave. So please take it if you need it. Take it now before my own compassion dwindles into intolerance. I can't love you with your eyes wide shut.
The adoration that I feel for you has grown as I witness your empathy. The way in which you have handled yourself at such a weird time is as much of the extreme gentleman as it is sexy. Thank you for giving me the confidence of knowing you stand steadfast that I am indeed your desire.
It is all I need
to do what I do.

1 comment:

  1. Reading this reminded me of reading Anais Nin's beautiful words "Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feels as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him but you know he will strangle you with his panic." Love is the act of cutting open your heart and trusting someone else to save you from dying. It's the ultimate form of giving, the ultimate act of faith. ~Susie


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